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November 6, 2011

Let’s Get Medical Before We Get Physical

Filed under: dating, friends, guys, love, medical, women — Tags: dating, friends, guys, love, medical, women — admin @ 7:31 pm

“So, what’s your medical history, madame? Anything unusual I should know about?”

Imagine a guy breaking the ice in a potential relationship with those opening lines. Not very classy, true. But in this day and age, it might be understandable. Apart from concern about STDs and other diseases and such, the one posing the question might also want to know whether the person he is hitting on is a genetic female or a transitioned female.

Thing is, most guys wouldn’t dream of posing such a question. And most don’t know much about transitioned people, anyway, and wouldn’t think to ask. But, when it comes to dating, the trans person must raise the subject about her medical history. Yah, it sucks, but the guy needs to know as early as possible. It’s only fair to him.

Experience has shown me that some guys are absolutely not interested in any woman who has transitioned, no matter how beautiful she may be physically, mentally or spiritually. It’s out of the question for them. Others guys are cautious, but willing to at least meet for lunch or something and see how it goes. And then there are those who don’t care at all about this particular aspect of one’s medical history. They might care if you have an STD, but the fact that you transitioned is irrelevant to them. (If either have STDs, that needs to be brought out into the open pretty darn early, too.)

Some friends and I were sharing some wine and talking about all this tonight. And we took it a little farther.

It’s not enough for a transitioned woman on the verge of a new relationship to reveal her medical history. She should probably also ask the guy: How might the people in your various circles react when they learn you are dating a transitioned woman? Are you prepared to deal with negative reactions from family and/or friends?

Yah, again, it sucks big time that anyone should have to pose such questions. Problem is, there is a lot of prejudice against and misunderstanding about transitioned people, and it can be very awkward for the guy if he is suddenly shunned by family members because he loves someone they reject. It happens. He might ultimately find himself having to choose between the woman he loves and family.

Experience has also shown me that some guys will stand by their woman, regardless of what others might say or do. But there are some who weigh all the possibilities and bow out. I can’t criticize them, just as I couldn’t criticize the guys who reject transitioned women outright. To each their own. And it’s better to get the matter dealt with sooner than later. Sure, we transitioned women might hope that by holding back the information for a while , the guy might fall in love with us and overlook the medical history when we finally tell him. But think again: it could provoke a very angry response if it is left too long, ie. “You deceived me!”

I mentioned to my friends tonight that all this seems to make it more difficult, though not impossible, for a transitioned woman to find love.

“Hey, it’s not so easy for genetic women to find love, either,” one of them said. She is a genetic woman. “There are a lot of lonely single women out there. Especially women in their 50s.”

She’s right, of course. And how many single guys in their 50s are looking for anything resembling life partnerships? Not many, I wager. Many of them have been there and done that.

Again, in my experience, I have found that guys generally appreciate it when you break the news to them early. “Thanks for being upfront about it” is a common reaction. “Let’s do lunch and see how it goes.”

Or, sometimes they don’t respond at all.

The funniest(?) response I ever had was a guy on a dating site who thanked me for sharing the information with him, assured me that it was no problem, and then said something to this effect:

“Well, since we’re sharing personal information, here’s something you should know: I’m married.”

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October 24, 2011

Wingwoman Offers Guys 6 Dating Tips

Filed under: feel, girls, guys, life, nice, women — Tags: feel, girls, guys, life, nice, women — admin @ 3:34 pm

By Marni Kinrys

The ultimate ’wing girl,’ Marni is a self-taught advice and relationship expert to men worldwide. Kinrys is the mind behind The Wing Girl Method and “The Playbook of What Women Want.”

(CNN) — You have to think about picking up girls the exact same way you think about picking up a box. You just do it. Seriously. After working with thousands of men all around the world, I have found that the common issue holding men back with women is that “thing” on top of their shoulders. It thinks, analyzes and makes excuses, so rejection is self-inflicted before women even get a chance to do it.

Here are six secrets men need to know about women to help them stop that “thing” in their head from destroying their dating life:

Women have baggage, too, especially the attractive ones. You think insecurity and low confidence are only for those who are fat, bald and ugly? Not so, my friend. Just because a woman is hot does not mean that her life is perfect. Remember, beauty does not equal perfection. It’s simply one thing about a woman that she literally wears on her sleeve.

Women prefer personality to looks. As a woman, I know this to be very true. But I also know it’s a tough one for men to swallow. Obviously, in the first five seconds, she judges a man based on his looks. But after that, something interesting happens: A man’s face shifts according to how he makes a woman feel. A hot man can become hideous, and an average-looking man can become the sexiest guy in the room. What women are really attracted to has nothing to do with appearance. It has to do with the character a man projects. A man who is calm, cool, collected, comfortable and confident will trump an Abercrombie model every time.

Women DO NOT like bad boys. Not sure who started this rumor, but they must be shot immediately. Women do not sit around with their girlfriends and say “Oh, Marni, I can’t wait to meet a lazy, unreliable jerk who treats me poorly and feeds on my insecurities.” Women like nice guys, not wimps, pushovers or pleasers; nice guys with a backbone and strong sense of self.

There’s no “right” line, but there’s a right way to say it. If I had four men approach me using the same, tried-and-tested pickup line, do you think I would be attracted to all four of them? Maybe, but highly unlikely. I can tell you that if the right man with the right character came up to me and said “banana, banana, banana,” I would giggle like a little schoolgirl and instantly feel attraction for him.

There is never a bad time to approach a woman. Women want to be approached, as long as it’s by the right person. If you see a girl you like, stop, breathe and think to yourself, “She’s adorable. I want to talk to her and see if I like her.” Notice the “I want” and the spirit of figuring out what you like. Until you get to know this girl, it’s about you, not her.

Women want you to respect them, not admire them. So stop putting women you know nothing about on pedestals. Yes, they’re hot, yes other men may want them, but that does not mean that all self-respect gets thrown out the door. Respect yourself first, and women will follow.

So use these lessons as the first step to eliminating the anxiety that “thing” produces. The second part is getting out there and practicing. Sitting on your couch watching “Law & Order” is not going to bring you results with women.

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September 29, 2011

Online Dating Sites Know You Better Than You Know Yourself

Filed under: algorithm, criteria, guys, looking, match, online, profiles, site, woman — Tags: algorithm, criteria, guys, looking, match, online, profiles, site, woman — admin @ 2:29 pm

Dating online involves doing awkward stuff like describing your taste in music and explaining what your hypothetical “perfect” match would be like. But when it comes right down to it, what you say you want is not necessarily what will make you happy. And the folks behind Match.com know this.

As David Gelles writes for the Financial Times, Match.com has been working on an “improved matchmaking algorithm.” Mandy Ginsberg, the president of the site, tried JDate when she got out of college but is married to someone she used to work with — and he’s not Jewish. “If I had laid out a criteria for what I was looking for, it would not have been a guy from south India,” she says. “People are complex.” So Match.com uses a complicated algorithm that attempts to “learn” from a user’s habits.

Amarnath Thombre, a engineer at Match.com, explains further: “Before, matches were based on the criteria you set. You meet her criteria, and she meets yours, so you’re a good match… But when we researched the data the whole idea of dissonance came into focus. People were doing something very different from the things they said they wanted on their profile.”

Gelles interviews a woman, Karrah O’Daniel, who in October will marry a man she met online. She was looking for a dude between the ages of 21 and 26; he was 28; she was looking for a guy whose body was “about average” or “athletic and toned”; he described himself as “stocky.” “We didn’t match, but you can’t really sum up a person in a check box,” says O’Daniel. Gelles points out that O’Daniel and her fiancé never really searched for one another at all — the site suggested he check out her profile. “They were introduced by the algorithm.”

For instance: If you claim you’re not interested in older guys but click on the profiles of a bunch of older guys, the algorithm will realize that you’re open to older guys and start suggesting profiles of men above your age limit. The formula is big business: Match.com is owned by digital media group IAC. Last year Match.com and IAC’s other online dating sites generated $401 million. (IAC also owns Chemistry.com and OkCupid.)

The question, of course, is whether or not this algorithm means Match.com is successful. You hear a few romantic tales like Karrah O’Daniel’s, and then there are the other stoires.

“The Match algorithm should have figured out that I don’t want a 45-year-old from New Jersey,” said one frustrated thirty-something professional woman from Manhattan. “Every time I log on I feel faintly insulted.”

Maybe love is the one problem computers can’t solve.

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September 18, 2011

Dating Agency Matches Single Women To Farmers

Filed under: australia, girls, guys, single, women — Tags: australia, girls, guys, single, women — admin @ 11:34 pm

Pop singer Beyonce told single ladies to put their hands up, but maybe she should have directed them Down Under.

A dating agency is shuttling busloads of single women to rural areas in hopes that they’ll find lonely farmers, according to an article in the London Telegraph.

Contacted by CNN late Friday, Brie Peters said she got the idea for the single women tours from a chance encounter.

“I’m lucky enough to have some friends that live in the outback of Australia,” she said, “and we were at a pub one night and the pub owner said, ‘Brie, you’ll be interested in this, ‘I know a lot of single women that send me letters’ ” looking for rural men, she said.

Peters said she came up with a tour service, Thank Goodness He’s a Country Boy, that caters to women but also addresses a serious issue in Australia’s urban areas: Evidently it’s where the boys aren’t.

In 2008 a book by author Bernard Salt stated Australia had nearly 100,000 more women than men in its metropolitan areas. The book even had maps that showed where the guys were.

Is it that bad for single women in Australia, particularly in New South Wales, Queensland and Melbourne, areas where Peters operates her agency?

In February a Brisbane radio station ran a promotion, Running of the Brides, that pitted women in bridal dresses in a race after one man. The pre-Valentines Day stunt was a gas, but the event was put on after statistics that showed there were seven women to every one man in the city.

Peters, who also owns an event company, said she remains single despite running into great guys every time she organizes a tour.

“What we do is we take the city girls out to the country and throughout the day. The women get fully pampered, they get makeup, they go out to eat and the guys put on a massive show,” she said.

Peters said she’s been doing the tours for about six months now and has an “85% success rate.” She said her biggest outing consisted of 200 women heading to the dust roads and Outback bush in search of menfolk.

But don’t think the men aren’t screened, Peters said.

“I try to go out into the town and meet as many of the guys as I can beforehand,” she said, “because many of them are shy. They aren’t just farmers, either. They are plumbers, run-of-the-mill normal, ordinary men.”

The girls night out does come with a cost: Peters said she charges $350 for women and $50 for men.

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August 26, 2011

So You’re Dating a “Love Skunk”?

Filed under: bad, girls, good, guys, study, university, women — Tags: bad, girls, good, guys, study, university, women — admin @ 9:35 pm

According to a recent study by a British university, most good girls get attracted to bad, swaggering males. As per the study, women really do find moody bad boys sexier than cheerful chaps. Psychologists say brooding or swaggering males were far more alluring than happy men who smiled a lot, reported express.co.uk.

However, in contrast, men were more attracted to smiling women compared to straight-faced women. Volunteers were shown pictures of the opposite sex projecting different emotions for the study at the University of British Columbia in Canada. Researchers said evolutionary theories suggest a confident, proud posture in a male exaggerates masculine features, implies status and an ability to provide for a partner and offspring. Smiling was associated with a lack of dominance in men and ‘submissiveness and vulnerability’ in women.

Ashish Sinha, a college student, says good guys equals to being boring. “There is the general belief that good men are the ones most commonly known to be ‘too nice’. A very big misconception is the general thought that men who are nice are boring.” Psychologist Seema Hingorany opines, “It usually happens with girls who are emotionally disturbed. It is either because of family problems or personal issues that they become rebellious.”

Bad Guys are usually confident and ooze self assurance and this quality is what gets women falling for them. Plus, dating a bad guy is like eating the forbidden fruit — the more you avoid it, the more you want to eat it. Explains Seema, “Sometimes girls end up with the wrong guys because they have led boring and sheltered lives. They have been suppressed by parents who force their ambitions down their childrens’ throats, pushing them to pursue either engineering or to become a doctor. This in turn leads to rebellious behaviour. The very thrill that you get from being with a bad guy gives you a high. That is one of the main reasons why girls prefer bad guys over the good ones.”

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