After her divorce five years ago, Lisa Hook re-entered the dating world, unsure of what she’d find.
As a single working mother, Hook said she didn’t have time for bars or singles clubs. So she concentrated her efforts on reputable online singles sites.
“I’m not going to say it wasn’t scary at first,” said Hook, 45, a Rochester mother of two who works in publishing. “Everything was so different. It’s challenging with all the new media.”
Christie Laabs, 26, of Sterling Heights said her age group has a different problem.
“When we go out, people don’t talk to each other at bars,” says Laabs, who does freelance production work for Comcast’s Dating on Demand video dating service. “It’s not like on TV, where someone comes up and starts talking to you. People tend to just hang out in their own groups.”
Hook said all this leaves her wishing for an easy solution.
“It would be wonderful to just lock eyes and meet someone at Dairy Queen,” she said. “But I know that’s not going to happen.”
She’s right, said Shirley Bavonese, a licensed marriage and family therapist, who with her husband, Joe, cofounded and directs Relationship Institute in Royal Oak and Livonia. In an age of e-mail and texts, many singles expect instant results, but that won’t happen.
“You have to put some work into it,” said Bavonese, adding people often put more time into choosing a car than a date.
“The bottom line is if your goal is a lifetime partner, it’s going to take a while to find that person. Quick date, take a class, join a social club, but … put yourself out there.”
With the advent of online dating, there are more choices than ever, said Bavonese, who met her husband of 15 years through singles ads. Yet, Hook said online dating can be a “double-edged sword” for busy people.
“It increases the dating pool a thousandfold,” Hook said. “On the other hand, the competition is also increased. Or you might click online, and then meet and the chemistry’s not there.”
Bavonese suggests if you meet someone interesting, get offline quickly so you can get to know the person.
“As soon as you can, shift to a phone call, then to a meeting in a public place,” said Bavonese, a master social worker who also runs singles workshops.
Another big mistake is being overly picky, Bavonese said. She suggests making a list of what you’re looking for in a partner, with the top three qualities being lifelong ones that are absolute.
“Tall, dark and handsome will change,” she said. “What doesn’t change is kind, compassionate and willing to negotiate.”
Bavonese said before you begin lamenting the lack of decent men or women, examine if you have what it takes for a long-term relationship.
“You only draw people to you as healthy emotionally as you are,” she says. “You need to be a full person and happy with who you are if you’re going to look for a partner to complement you.”
That means it’s not only OK to be single, but imperative to take time between relationships.
