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December 24, 2011

Is All Really Fair in Love and Dating?

Filed under: date, dating, fair, influence, people, techniques, women — Tags: date, dating, fair, influence, people, techniques, women — admin @ 6:26 am

By Jeremy Nicholson

Today I’m going to depart from my usual article style to dialogue with you all a bit. Last Friday I published an article on “5 Ways to Indirectly Ask for a Date” and then began my long Memorial Day weekend. During the weekend, that article prompted passionate debate, both in my social discussions and online from readers. It appears that there are strong differences of opinion about the use of persuasion, influence, and compliance techniques in dating.

After listening to some of my friends’ reactions, I got to wondering what my readers thought. After all, it is a common expression to hear “all is fair in love and war”. But, is it true? Is it ok or even beneficial to be persuasive or influential? Is it just flirting? Does “everybody” manipulate a little anyway, in their initial hiding of embarrassing secrets, embellishment of strengths, and use of makeup, nice suits, or push-up bras? Or, should we argue for “radical honestly”? Is it only appropriate to be serious, authentic, and display our true selves for the judgment of potential dating partners? Those seem to be the two extremes…

Looking Unofficially at Both Sides

On one hand, during my weekend, I found people who approved of the use of indirect influence techniques to get a date. They (primarily women) thought such techniques were fun, flirty, and cute. They also saw nothing wrong with using such indirect methods. Essentially, they fell into the “all is fair” group.

On the other hand, I also found people who had reservations about the use of influence. They were primarily women as well (most men didn’t seem to have passionate opinions about it – at least in my social circles). These individuals felt that some of the techniques might be inauthentic and perhaps make someone feel pressured to accept a date they didn’t want. These folks fell into the “not fair” group.

My Thoughts on the Debate

Personally, I was not expecting the debate at all. In fact, I was a bit surprised that some (particularly women) had reservations about the techniques, for two reasons. First, I actually created the article at the prompting of a woman. She had read my “Just Ask” articles, liked them, but couldn’t see herself being so “direct”. So, the techniques were created with women’s use in mind, who might not want to be seen as aggressive, forward, or bold by asking directly. Second, I have a small readership who screen my articles before I publish them. The majority of that group is women, some very conservative and proper. None of them offered any reservations about the techniques.

The only sense I can personally make of it is that perhaps it is a difference of perspective. The people who liked the techniques seemed to be primarily thinking about using them with others. Those who didn’t care for the techniques, were primarily thinking about their reactions to others using the techniques on them. So, perhaps we have a double standard? My (very unofficial) asking around seemed to support this idea. Some of the people I know in the “not fair” group are also among the most “influencing” and “persuasive” people I know. So, I wonder. Do people want to be “influential”, but also not be influenced by others?

Conclusion

Personally, I think being persuasive, influential, and seeking compliance is unavoidable. Everyone influences others every day, and is influenced in return. In fact, as I pointed out during my socializing, the people speaking out against using such techniques the most “passionately”, were also being influential and coercive in their arguing. They were using the very same techniques they were arguing against!

We are all mostly comfortable with this fact about influence when we persuade others to donate to a charity or give blood. We’re still pretty comfortable when it comes time to sell a car. But, some get cold feet when it comes to being persuasive in dating. It is almost like, in dating, it is somehow “less fair”. But, in my opinion, you are only being “unfair” or “ripping someone off” if you persuade them to “buy” something that isn’t worth much, or doesn’t give them something in return. That includes dating too.

So, maybe the problem with persuasion in dating is not ethics, but rather perceptions of self-worth and intentions to share with a partner after the date is secured? While I am okay with a bit of influence to get a date’s attention, I firmly believe it is important to make sure they are “getting a good deal” too. Personally, I do draw a line between indirect asking and making false promises. I think intentions should always be good and equitable.

In the end though, I recognize that there are many styles of love and each person has preferences. That is why I try to mix up my advice from “mild” to “spicy”. Some people are straight-forward and concrete, others indirect and flirty…most in the middle. My job is to know it all and dish it up as each person needs it.

I am curious though…where do you stand? What is your style? Is “all fair in love and dating”? Why or why not?

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December 6, 2011

5 Best Ways to Meet Men if You Are Over 35 and Divorced

Filed under: dating, life, meeting, people, research, single, women — Tags: dating, life, meeting, people, research, single, women — admin @ 10:46 am

I get so many female clients who are over 35 and divorced who come to me operating under the assumption that they are at an automatic dating disadvantage because of their age. They tell me how frustrated they are trying to date being in the “over 35” age group.

Let me tell you something. They could not be more wrong. The biggest problem that these women have is not their age, but their mindset. So to any women who are in this demographic and feel like these women do about dating as an “over 35,” here are five of the best ways to meet men if you are over 35.

1. If You Believe It Then It’s True: Do you remember the famous Henry Ford quote “Whether you think you can, or that you can’t, you are usually right?” I have found that you can meet amazing people anywhere and at any age. It’s all about having an abundance mindset. So many people listen to their friends or the monkey chatter in their own head telling them all the obstacles that stand in their way as a single woman over the age of 35. Many times this comes from other single friends.

I don’t listen to friends like this, because I find that many singles have attitudes that are just ridiculous. They love to buy into the negative, instead of the positive. I hear so many people who live in Los Angeles tell me that Los Angeles is the worst place to date if you’re a woman over 35. Really?! It’s the biggest city in the country and there’s no one to meet if you’re a woman over 35? C’mon!

What happens is that people will manifest the things on which they focus. So if women are focusing on disappointment, scarcity and failure in their dating life, then that’s what they are going to experience in their dating life. I have found that you can always find someone who will agree with you when you are looking for confirmation about something negative because most people are negative. Most people love to commiserate, and most people really like having others commiserate with them. So the first thing you need to do is to change your mindset.

2. Take A Good Look At Yourself: I want to give you a little bit of a wake-up call. I want to challenge you to look deep inside your life. If you have had trouble meeting men, I want you to ask yourself if you’ve really done enough on your part to meet them.

Just like I tell singles of any age, your perfect person is not just going to show up at your doorstep one day with flowers and a bottle of wine in hand. You need to be proactive. So I want you to ask yourself if you’ve done enough. Have you really networked as much as you can? Have you gone on a great online dating site, wrote a really good profile and started contacting some men online? Have you researched what things are going on in your area to which you could go?

Have you truly done everything you possibly can do, because I seriously doubt that there are no men in their 40s that you can date. I just think that you’ve been frustrated, and you’ve let that get to you. It happens to a lot of single people . . . but take time now to “reset” and regroup.

3. Do Your Research: The next thing to do is to do a little “homework.” Do some research and find out what things are going on and available in your area. See what things are interesting to you. Don’t choose things you have no personal interest in just because you think there might be men there to meet. You will not only have more fun, but will also be most successful meeting people, when you are enjoying your life and creating good energy. At the same time, though, be open to lots of possibilities.

Here are some ideas for you to research. Try finding out about happy hours that are out there for people in their 40s. Consider speed dating events. Try having lunch in areas where there are hospitals where you can meet doctors. Go where lawyers are hanging out around lunchtime or during happy hours. Have you thought about going to car dealerships? Many of the high-end ones actually have parties. Go to one and tell them you’d love to come to one of their parties when they have new car releases. There’s networking events like Toastmasters where people will go and they will speak. There are fundraisers. Think outside the box and get researching.

4. Make A List: So, I’m challenging you right now to put together a list. Find at least ten places you can go or ten things you can do in your town other than what I’ve suggested. I had a client one time who actually went to hospital and had lunch every single day because she wanted to meet a doctor. Sure enough, after two and-a-half months she did meet a doctor. It’s all about pursuing what you want and taking the steps to get it.

5. Get Out There!: Now that we’ve talked about your mindset, had you do some research and even had you make a list, the only thing left to do is to actually get yourself out there and start meeting people. Life is in the field. Life is about enjoying the moment. Nothing happens for those who sit and wait though. So challenge yourself to take action every day. You won’t believe what is waiting out there for you!

Following these five tips will get you well on your way to meeting lots of men. For all of the women who are over 35, there are tons of amazing and available men out there for you to meet. Think abundance and you will find them.

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November 16, 2011

10 Dating and Relationships Red Flags You Should Never Ignore

Filed under: boyfriend, dating, flags, relationship, sense, women — Tags: boyfriend, dating, flags, relationship, sense, women — admin @ 9:26 am

By Natasha Burton, Julie Fishman and Meagan McCrary

Having collected relationship red flag stories from thousands of women, we’ve read some pretty unbelievable accounts of men’s not-so-nice (to put it lightly) behavior. We’ve also noticed somewhat of a pattern: Certain red flags—warning signs we define as indications that there might be an underlying issue in your relationship—just kept appearing in our inboxes from women who wished they had recognized the signs earlier. Learn from their mistakes, and avoid dating disasters of your own, by being aware of these 10 big red flags.

He’s not really your boyfriend

If he hasn’t “defined the relationship”, otherwise known as “DTR”—it doesn’t matter how many dates you’ve been on or how many times you’ve slept together … you are not his girlfriend. A fact he will be sure to remind you the second you expect him to treat you like one.

He treats you like a, well, slut

Even if your relationship is largely sex-based, a man should still be interested in your comfort and pleasure—not simply use your body as if it’s simply there for his disposal. Without some tenderness, sex becomes more business transaction than intimate encounter . . . in which case, you may as well ask him to leave you a check by the nightstand.

He’s only there for you when it’s convenient for him

A guy who won’t commit to dinner until twenty minutes before he’s supposed to pick you up is clearly waiting to make sure he’s not going to miss out on whatever his buddies are doing. In addition to making you feel trivial, this guy is undependable—he’ll be around on sunny days but as soon as the clouds roll in, he’ll run for cover.

He’s a narcissist

While a little self-love is healthy, a man who is too busy gazing lovingly at his own reflection to attend to your needs, or even compliment you once in a while, is not one worth dating. Narcissism is an actual psychological condition that usually requires therapy to remedy. However, in order for treatment to work, the man must be able to admit that he has a personality flaw. Good luck convincing a narcissist that he’s anything but perfect. No one, including you, will ever be good enough for him or worth his attention because, after all, he’s already found the best lover . . . himself. And when your Romeo is living in his own little world, a healthy relationship is a fantasy.

He doesn’t have your back

If your guy is constantly pointing out your flaws or correcting you (like when you say “uh huh” instead of “yes”) in front of your friends, family, colleagues (or even total strangers), he’s letting you, and the world, know, that he really doesn’t have your back. Not to say that your boyfriend should never disagree with you, but he definitely shouldn’t pick you apart.

He’s shady with this phone

If he always goes into the other room to talk, he may have another woman on the side. The number of late-night texts he sends and receives is proportional to how many other chicks he’s probably sleeping with.

He accuses you of being unfaithful

We’re not precisely sure what psychology lies behind this crackpot move, but loads of women have reported the phenomenon. One girl’s boyfriend incessantly checked her phone for incriminating text messages, another’s demanded she check in with him every thirty minutes if she wanted to go out with her girlfriends, and more than a few girl’s boyfriends would go ballistic if they spied their ladies even talking to another guy.

He constantly critiques you

Maybe he’ll make backhanded comments about your weight, or have the occasional demand that you change into something “more appropriate,” either way, acts like these show that you man is less interested in you and more concerned with bending, breaking, and shaping you to look like the woman he believes he deserves. Perhaps he’ll merely offer a suggestion, but say it with a slightly contemptuous tone, or teach you a new, “more efficient” way of doing something you’ve been doing every day for ten years (how you made it this far without him there to tell you how to wipe your own ass is a miracle).

He’s inconsiderate<

For this red flag, pay attention to your man’s small gestures—like if he stops at Jack ‘n the Box for a milkshake on the way to your house but forgets to bring you a treat. Inconsiderate acts early on tend to escalate the more comfortable a man becomes with the situation, and pretty soon you’ll be in a one-way relationship headed full speed for resentment.

He’s a control freak

Controlling men’s manipulative ways may take on a variety of forms: some guys may berate you into being who they want you to be; some try to isolate you from your family and friends; some present ultimatums to run the relationship. Other men repeatedly “rescue” you—chipping away at your independence until you’re fully dependent on them. Dating a guy like this puts you in an unhealthy situation, to say the least. A functional relationship consists of respect and support, not one person calling all the shots. Even if he says he’ll change, he probably won’t—cut your losses before you lose your sense of self, sense of worth, and sense of right and wrong.

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November 6, 2011

Let’s Get Medical Before We Get Physical

Filed under: dating, friends, guys, love, medical, women — Tags: dating, friends, guys, love, medical, women — admin @ 7:31 pm

“So, what’s your medical history, madame? Anything unusual I should know about?”

Imagine a guy breaking the ice in a potential relationship with those opening lines. Not very classy, true. But in this day and age, it might be understandable. Apart from concern about STDs and other diseases and such, the one posing the question might also want to know whether the person he is hitting on is a genetic female or a transitioned female.

Thing is, most guys wouldn’t dream of posing such a question. And most don’t know much about transitioned people, anyway, and wouldn’t think to ask. But, when it comes to dating, the trans person must raise the subject about her medical history. Yah, it sucks, but the guy needs to know as early as possible. It’s only fair to him.

Experience has shown me that some guys are absolutely not interested in any woman who has transitioned, no matter how beautiful she may be physically, mentally or spiritually. It’s out of the question for them. Others guys are cautious, but willing to at least meet for lunch or something and see how it goes. And then there are those who don’t care at all about this particular aspect of one’s medical history. They might care if you have an STD, but the fact that you transitioned is irrelevant to them. (If either have STDs, that needs to be brought out into the open pretty darn early, too.)

Some friends and I were sharing some wine and talking about all this tonight. And we took it a little farther.

It’s not enough for a transitioned woman on the verge of a new relationship to reveal her medical history. She should probably also ask the guy: How might the people in your various circles react when they learn you are dating a transitioned woman? Are you prepared to deal with negative reactions from family and/or friends?

Yah, again, it sucks big time that anyone should have to pose such questions. Problem is, there is a lot of prejudice against and misunderstanding about transitioned people, and it can be very awkward for the guy if he is suddenly shunned by family members because he loves someone they reject. It happens. He might ultimately find himself having to choose between the woman he loves and family.

Experience has also shown me that some guys will stand by their woman, regardless of what others might say or do. But there are some who weigh all the possibilities and bow out. I can’t criticize them, just as I couldn’t criticize the guys who reject transitioned women outright. To each their own. And it’s better to get the matter dealt with sooner than later. Sure, we transitioned women might hope that by holding back the information for a while , the guy might fall in love with us and overlook the medical history when we finally tell him. But think again: it could provoke a very angry response if it is left too long, ie. “You deceived me!”

I mentioned to my friends tonight that all this seems to make it more difficult, though not impossible, for a transitioned woman to find love.

“Hey, it’s not so easy for genetic women to find love, either,” one of them said. She is a genetic woman. “There are a lot of lonely single women out there. Especially women in their 50s.”

She’s right, of course. And how many single guys in their 50s are looking for anything resembling life partnerships? Not many, I wager. Many of them have been there and done that.

Again, in my experience, I have found that guys generally appreciate it when you break the news to them early. “Thanks for being upfront about it” is a common reaction. “Let’s do lunch and see how it goes.”

Or, sometimes they don’t respond at all.

The funniest(?) response I ever had was a guy on a dating site who thanked me for sharing the information with him, assured me that it was no problem, and then said something to this effect:

“Well, since we’re sharing personal information, here’s something you should know: I’m married.”

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October 24, 2011

Wingwoman Offers Guys 6 Dating Tips

Filed under: feel, girls, guys, life, nice, women — Tags: feel, girls, guys, life, nice, women — admin @ 3:34 pm

By Marni Kinrys

The ultimate ’wing girl,’ Marni is a self-taught advice and relationship expert to men worldwide. Kinrys is the mind behind The Wing Girl Method and “The Playbook of What Women Want.”

(CNN) — You have to think about picking up girls the exact same way you think about picking up a box. You just do it. Seriously. After working with thousands of men all around the world, I have found that the common issue holding men back with women is that “thing” on top of their shoulders. It thinks, analyzes and makes excuses, so rejection is self-inflicted before women even get a chance to do it.

Here are six secrets men need to know about women to help them stop that “thing” in their head from destroying their dating life:

Women have baggage, too, especially the attractive ones. You think insecurity and low confidence are only for those who are fat, bald and ugly? Not so, my friend. Just because a woman is hot does not mean that her life is perfect. Remember, beauty does not equal perfection. It’s simply one thing about a woman that she literally wears on her sleeve.

Women prefer personality to looks. As a woman, I know this to be very true. But I also know it’s a tough one for men to swallow. Obviously, in the first five seconds, she judges a man based on his looks. But after that, something interesting happens: A man’s face shifts according to how he makes a woman feel. A hot man can become hideous, and an average-looking man can become the sexiest guy in the room. What women are really attracted to has nothing to do with appearance. It has to do with the character a man projects. A man who is calm, cool, collected, comfortable and confident will trump an Abercrombie model every time.

Women DO NOT like bad boys. Not sure who started this rumor, but they must be shot immediately. Women do not sit around with their girlfriends and say “Oh, Marni, I can’t wait to meet a lazy, unreliable jerk who treats me poorly and feeds on my insecurities.” Women like nice guys, not wimps, pushovers or pleasers; nice guys with a backbone and strong sense of self.

There’s no “right” line, but there’s a right way to say it. If I had four men approach me using the same, tried-and-tested pickup line, do you think I would be attracted to all four of them? Maybe, but highly unlikely. I can tell you that if the right man with the right character came up to me and said “banana, banana, banana,” I would giggle like a little schoolgirl and instantly feel attraction for him.

There is never a bad time to approach a woman. Women want to be approached, as long as it’s by the right person. If you see a girl you like, stop, breathe and think to yourself, “She’s adorable. I want to talk to her and see if I like her.” Notice the “I want” and the spirit of figuring out what you like. Until you get to know this girl, it’s about you, not her.

Women want you to respect them, not admire them. So stop putting women you know nothing about on pedestals. Yes, they’re hot, yes other men may want them, but that does not mean that all self-respect gets thrown out the door. Respect yourself first, and women will follow.

So use these lessons as the first step to eliminating the anxiety that “thing” produces. The second part is getting out there and practicing. Sitting on your couch watching “Law & Order” is not going to bring you results with women.

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