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March 27, 2017

So You’re Dating a Narcissist…

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 9:16 pm

We all know these people: they have a treasure trove of entertaining stories about their fabulous, adventurous lives. They often have larger-than-life personalities coupled with baffling displays of deep insecurity. They have extremely high demands of the people close to them, yet they often fail to keep their own promises or live up to adult responsibilities. They don’t think the rules everyone else abides by apply to them, and they feel that their “specialness” can only truly be understood by other exceptional people.

The official definition of “narcissistic personality disorder” from our friends at the Mayo Clinic is the following [emphasis added]:

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration. Those with narcissistic personality disorder believe that they’re superior to others and have little regard for other people’s feelings. But behind this mask of ultra-confidence lies a fragile self-esteem, vulnerable to the slightest criticism.

Being colleagues or close friends with a narcissist is hard enough. But what about if you’re actually in love with a narcissist? I myself have narcissistic tendencies, and can definitely point to at least one relationship where I was dating a toxic narcissist. In our “look at me, fan me, follow me” culture, it seems like everyone has a place in the spectrum of self-absorbed behavior that is narcissism. However, there’s an important difference between having narcissistic tendencies and being a toxic narcissist, someone’s whose behavior is so wildly destructive, oblivious of consequences, and inconsiderate of others’ feelings that it’s nearly impossible for them to be in an authentic relationship built on love, trust, and support.

In their book Help! I’m in Love with a Narcissist, authors Steven Carter and Julia Sokol gave ample examples of relationships featuring toxic narcissists and their clueless counterparts. To help those of you who might be reluctant to come to terms with the fact that you are in love with a narcissist, here is a checklist of what dating a narcissist feels like:

• You’ll feel like you’re doing most of the “work” in the relationship.

• Your partner will do things to sabotage the relationship from moving forward—but doesn’t want to completely let you go either.

• Your partner may have a long history of troubled relationships and addictions of all kinds.

• Your partner may have recurring episodes of infidelity—which he or she somehow makes your fault.

• You’ll feel emotionally drained by how hard you have to work to make your partner happy.

• The relationship will be organized primarily around your partner’s interests and activities.

• You’ll feel controlled or manipulated by your partner’s moods and ideas.

• You’ll often have to explain, apologize, or cover up for your partner’s bad behavior.

• Your partner will make unilateral decisions that impact your safety and well-being.

• You sometimes feel unsafe by the actions of your partner.

• Your partner will refuse to see your good intentions, always making you the “bad guy.”

• You find yourself desperately trying to get back to the “good ole days” of the early parts of the relationship when it seemed like you could do no wrong.

Did you recognize your relationship among any—or even several—of the qualities above? Though authors Carter and Sokol were adamant that “you are not going to be able to fix, change, cure, or heal the narcissists in your life,” they do offer several steps you can take to protect yourself against further exploitation or abuse from the narcissist that you love.

• Establish healthy boundaries: Like helpless newborn babies that are intimately connected to their mothers, narcissists often have nearly nonexistent boundaries with their partners, seemingly sucking the life energy out of the people that love them. By putting a limit on how much of your time, energy, patience, and understanding you will give to the narcissist in your life, you are teaching him or her that loving him or her does not equal letting them take over your life.

• Establish a firm sense of self-worth and self-knowledge: Narcissists feed off of other people’s attention, admiration, and loyalty. If you have a firm sense of who you are, your values, and what you truly enjoy doing, you will be less likely to get drawn into the narcissist’s all-consuming world.

• Get professional help: Though most narcissists will refuse to join you for couples’ counseling, you can and should seek professional help on your own. A professional can help you uncover why you are drawn toward narcissists, and how you can break out of that destructive pattern so that you can find true and lasting love.

Healing from a relationship with a toxic narcissist first takes a willingness to admit that you’re in a relationship with one. Though it’s painful to admit that the person we love might love themselves and their own interests way more than they actually love us, it’s better to be honest with ourselves so we can move on rather than continue to be the supporting actor in someone else’s drama.

80 Percent of Singles Prefer Mobile Dating Apps

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , — admin @ 1:17 pm

With the rapid adoption of all types of smartphones across the world, mobile dating has become a growing trend among single people and typically preferred over traditional online dating sites.

Based of a survey of 50,000 participants by Snap Interactive, the company behind the AreYouInterested dating site and mobile application has discovered that four out of five single people prefer using smartphones to get dates rather than a typical online dating site. In addition, further data stated that users of mobile dating applications were over 60 percent more likely to hook-up with mobile dating compared to sites like Match.com or PlentyofFish. However, mobile dating applications are usually free while the majority of online dating sites have a monthly fee attached.

According to the data, the most active cities across the world for mobile dating applications include Hong Kong, Los Angeles, London, New York and Melbourne. Users of mobile dating apps typically look at a minimum of 20 profiles per day and 47 percent of the AreYouInterested user base is between the ages of 18 to 25. The most popular use of mobile dating apps is the browsing function and sending private messages is the second most popular. Specifically through the AreYouInterested application, nine conversations are started each minute through the app, each person typically sends about five messages per day and over 600 profiles are viewed every minute.

According to a recent article in the New York Times, mobile dating is becoming the preferred method to meeting potential dates among young people because the speed at which meetings occur is much faster than a traditional online dating site. Location is also used when finding a potential match and users of mobile dating applications are often scanning through multiple profiles to locate someone that’s both attractive and nearby. However, many applications have extended privacy controls that set restrictions on who can view the profile as well as masking the location of the user. Traditional online dating sites are finding about 10 to 30 percent of users are utilizing the corresponding mobile application to schedule dates.

March 18, 2017

Can I Date During My Divorce?

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , — admin @ 6:18 am

(The Root) –

“What is the rule of thumb on dating during the divorce process? Do women expect a divorce to be final in order to take a man seriously? Is it unfair or wrong to show an interest in other women while you are waiting for the final decree?” –O.U.

The rule of thumb is that you don’t date until your divorce is final. I know that’s probably not what you want to hear, especially if you’re lonely right now.

That outlook may seem strict, especially for people who live in, say, North Carolina, which requires one year of separation before allowing a couple to file for even a no-fault divorce; Connecticut, which requires an 18-month waiting period before allowing a couple to file; or even Maryland, which requires a one-year wait. That can seem like a long time to “move on,” especially when you are 100 percent positive that you and your spouse won’t reunite. I’d encourage you to use the time between your separation and your divorce to heal emotionally from your marriage.

Often, discussions about the ramifications of divorce for men are about the financial hit that men take in the form of alimony and child support. Too little is said about the emotional toll it takes as well.

One study found that men were six times more likely to be depressed after a separation or divorce than were men who remained married. “Men’s social lives largely revolve around their spouses and family, and when that is disrupted, it can leave men more isolated and prone to depression,” Daniel Buccino, an assistant professor in the Johns Hopkins Department of Psychiatry and Behavioral Science, explained to Divorce360.com.

If this sounds like what you’re experiencing, consider seeking a counselor who can help you work through your feelings, rather than a girlfriend to fill your newfound void. It may also be helpful for you to locate a divorce support group and to begin socializing in group settings so that you can get some of the personal interaction you may be missing.

But maybe that’s not you, and you’re doing just fine, twiddling your thumbs while you wait for the paperwork to officially end your marriage. Unfortunately, if you’re in the “divorce process,” you’re not divorced, (i.e., you are still married). For a number of additional reasons, you still need to wait to begin looking for your next relationship.

Since you’re looking to be taken “seriously” by women, that means you’re not dating just for kicks, and you may be considering remarrying. A recent survey of 2,000 newly divorced people found that nearly 50 percent of divorced men were hoping to repeat their trip down the aisle.

You should know that two-thirds of second marriages fail. That’s not to discourage you from believing in a second chance at love; it’s to warn you not to rush into anything “serious” too soon. It’s imperative that you take this time to do a personal assessment of yourself and what led to the demise of your marriage so that you don’t repeat those mistakes as you move forward.

A sensible woman will require your divorce to be final in order to take you seriously. You may have the best intentions to form a new relationship and end your marriage (in that order), but as I stated before: It ain’t over just yet.

You honestly don’t want the type of woman who is OK with dating a married man. You are legally committed to someone else, and if there’s a lady who knows that and still thinks, “Oooh! He’s a catch,” she has a whole host of issues — whether she knows it or not — that won’t benefit your well-being down the line, or even now.

You are worried about what a potential dating partner may feel, but you should also want to keep in mind how your still-current spouse may react to your exploring new options now. Dating before your marriage is terminated may upset your otherwise reasonable future ex and make her (more) unreasonable while you’re trying to negotiate custody arrangements or the division of assets.

Your desire for companionship at this particular time could cost you a lot — literally and figuratively. Try to sit still a while longer. Let your desire to move on motivate you to wrap up your marriage quickly by focusing on what’s really important in divorce negotiations.

Good luck!

March 10, 2017

Justin Bieber Shares Dating Tips In Cosmopolitan

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , — admin @ 2:18 pm

Justin Bieber is sharing his top dating tips for ladies looking for love with readers of a popular women’s magazine.

The star, who is dating singer/actress Selena Gomez, has become known for his lavish romantic gestures and famously rented out the 20,000-capacity Staples Center in Los Angeles last year so he could watch “Titanic” with his girlfriend undisturbed.

Now Bieber is giving Cosmopolitan magazine readers advice on how to catch the eye of potential suitors and keep them interested past the first date, and he insists being adventurous is a big draw for guys: “Whether it’s tasting new foods or going on different adventures – hikes, whatever – it’s great when she’s willing to try new things.”

The 18-year-old also gives an insight into his own preferences in girls, adding, “It’s so sexy when a woman wears her hair in a messy bun, because it seems so carefree. I love when she knows how to be casual. Hair back, no make-up.”

And the teen superstar is adamant about spending quality time with a loved one – so he encourages couples to ditch their cell phones when they are on a date: “Both of us leaving our phones behind is important… No distractions is the best.”

Bieber’s love advice emerges as his own relationship with Gomez comes under scrutiny amid rumors they are on the verge of a split. However, the stars have played down the claims and put on a united front recently while enjoying a dinner date in Los Angeles.

It’s Never Too Late To Find The Man Or Woman Of Your Dreams

Filed under: Uncategorized — Tags: , , , , , , , , — admin @ 1:18 pm

By Maryalene LaPonsie

It started with a hello and a smile. It ended with a wedding that included guests from two continents.

That’s the story of Bruce and Bernadetta Bateman, who found love at the Lakewood Village retirement community in Melbourne, Florida, and got married at ages 76 and 73, respectively. Their story is only one example of how older Americans are pursuing romance and finding the perfect partner, regardless of their age.

According to AARP, 45 percent of Americans older than age 65 are divorced, separated or widowed. Meanwhile, a 2013 Pew Research Center study found that 6 percent of Americans between ages 55 and 64 had used an online dating website or app. That may not sound like much until you consider that only 10 percent of 18- to 24-year-olds reported using those sites.

However, as the Bateman story demonstrates, older Americans don’t necessarily have to resort to high-tech means to find their next soul mate.

Finding Love Next Door

Bruce didn’t have to go far to find his wife. While gardening one day, Bernadetta walked by and said hello. Bruce recalls being instantly smitten – although his future wife insists she had no intentions other than showing neighborly friendliness.

It wasn’t until Bernadetta lost a beloved pet and received a condolence note from Bruce that she began to feel otherwise.

Spending the holidays together led to a January proposal and a March 2012 wedding attended by family and friends from as far away as Bernadetta’s native Netherlands. When asked whether they were concerned about moving too fast, Bruce is quick to point out their previous marriages and life experiences meant they knew they were a match.

“With all that background and experience, we knew what we needed,” he says. “We absolutely knew it was the right thing to do.”

Where to Meet People After Age 50

Not everyone will find their future spouse living a few houses down the street. But fear not. Relationship experts say older Americans have several options when it comes to meeting new people.

“Instead of focusing on where can I meet guys or where can I meet girls, think about where can I meet friends,” says Christina Pesoli, a family law attorney in Austin, Texas and author of “Break Free from the Divortex.” She says those settings, from book clubs to church groups, can be great places to meet potential dates with similar interests.

Pepper Schwartz, a love and relationship expert for AARP, says travel and hobby groups and community classes are also places where older Americans can mingle. She adds that online dating shouldn’t be overlooked either.

“I’m a big fan of online dating because it has so many people to offer to you,” Schwartz says.

Some dating sites, such as those run by AARP and OurTime, cater specifically to singles older than age 50. However, big sites like eHarmony and Match have plenty of older users as well. Schwartz notes older Americans may find that boutique sites that cater to specific religious groups or personal interests may provide the best matches.

Seniors shouldn’t limit themselves to only dating people of the same age, Pesoli says. It’s an issue she sees with women in particular; they tend to date people they think they should date rather than whom they want to date. “You get to have your own rules and preferences,” Pesoli says.

Common Mistakes on the Senior Dating Scene

“You’d be surprised how much people talk about health on a first date,” says Schwartz, adding that dropping a “data dump on hello” is a major senior dating mistake. “I’ve heard older daters make it sound like a job interview or a health check.”

From rattling off physical ailments to discussing former relationships, seniors may be prone to oversharing on a first date. Others may have been out of the dating scene for so long that they’ve developed off-putting habits. Seniors may have to relearn how to interact on dates, says Schwartz, who finds it touching to see many adult children step up to coach their parents through the process.

For those who don’t have that sort of support, the key to a successful first date may lie in remembering to steer the conversation away from events of long ago. “When you’re going out on your first date, make it about your future and not your past,” Pesoli suggests.

Dating too quickly after a divorce can be another mistake, and one that could cause friction within families. “It makes adult children crazy when mom or dad rush into a new relationship,” says Bob Boyd, a partner with the Atlanta law firm Boyd Collar Nolen & Tuggle, and past president of the Georgia Chapter of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers.

Taking it slowly can help ease concerns from adult children who may be worried about their parent’s emotional and financial stability. To that second point, Boyd says seniors have to think carefully about money matters if they are considering a second marriage, particularly after a divorce that may have already divided retirement assets and income.

“You cannot be afraid to have the hard discussion about having a prenuptial agreement,” he says. For those who aren’t sure whether it’s worth it to date again, Bruce Bateman encourages his peers to at least give it a try. “Don’t be stuffy and stay at home. Take a few chances,” he says. “Love is wonderful the second time around.”

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